Sweet Life — Where To Start?

Dedicated to my Darling Grand-Daughter on her 3rd Birthday.

Isolated from us, our hearts ache for your sweet laughter;
Oh, my bittersweet joy, we fight for your freedom.

Love, Nana     xxooxx

“Destiny has two ways of crushing us -
by refusing our wishes and by fulfilling them.”

Henri Frederic Amiel

Ever be in such a mess that you simply can’t figure out where [or how] to start cleaning up — or doing or finishing — those innumerable tasks forever piling high?  Yeah, that’s me now.

Again.

My life has been a series of simple hopes & dreams squashed by emotional drama.  I learn new lessons on dealing with life to crawl my way up from diversity, only to find another crushing mountain halting my progress & forcing more lessons.  I feel like a cat on its ninth life — I have to get it right this time or I’m a goner.

I was reminded of this last week when PBS showed my favourite Swedish detective — the morose, middle-aged Wallander — in an episode I hadn’t seen before [kinda rare].  He has finally attained his [as well as my] simple dream of a kind partner in a fixer-upper house by the sea on some land with a dog — of course, a black Lab.  ;-)

In true Swedish fashion, it doesn’t take long before things go horribly awry.  The dog finds the corpse of a young victim of the sex-trade market on the property.  His long-time team member, about to embark on her own happy change in her life, ends up in a coma due to Wallander passionately–but irresponsibly–placing them in deadly danger.  And, of course, his girlfriend leaves him.

And so my own life goes.

Up.  Down.  Up.  Down.  Hope.  Hopeless.  Forward.  Backward.

Striving for balance.

“Music is harmony, harmony is perfection,
perfection is our dream, and our dream is heaven.”

Henri Frederic Amiel

Still, I can look at my half-century journey of overcoming the diversities life placed in my path & see how far I’ve climbed — how so wonderfully improved I am.  Life is a series of struggles.  It is how we handle diversity & what we learn [or not] from it that determines our human goodness — our harmony.

Sure, some people become bitter — spreading angry abuse everywhere.  They’re not happy with their life or themselves.  They blame others for any misfortune.  They refuse to admit they might be wrong.  They belittle you indicating their way is better.  They get what they want however way they can — bullying, lying, cheating, or stealing.  They balk at change — considering themselves perfect.

Others bring acceptance with joy & music & beautiful colour — washing away ugly thoughts.  They know none of us are perfect — understanding brings harmony.  They use smiles & gentle, but honest, words to explain their thoughts & feelings — then they LISTEN to others’ point of view.  They compromise when disagreements occur but stand firm for their honour.  They change as life constantly changes.

I choose the latter.  I live in the present — not in the past.  I love myself & am self-confident when others disagree.  I would much rather laugh than complain.  I would much rather bring joy than pain.  I would much rather accept you as you are than disparage you.  I am constantly learning & will constantly change.

“Tell me what you feel in your room
when the full moon is shining in upon you
and your lamp is dying out,
and I will tell you how old you are,
and I shall know if you are happy.”

Henri Frederic Amiel

Every year around my birthday, whether I want to or not, I evaluate my life & decide what changes I want–or need–to make.  Sometimes, this can be a long, painful process — other times, all that’s needed is a few tweaks.

At 55-yrs-old, I finally discovered a real happiness & joy in life — after 30 years of physical, emotional & financial abuse with ensuing mental disorders, I had learned, from over a decade of therapy & medication, to actually love myself.

Now, as my 56th birthday quickly gets closer, I find my self-esteem eroded by a more subtle abuser — a mere girl, half my age, portraying peace & understanding to cover a cold, cruel heart.

My past comes back to haunt me.  Unfinished business must be taken care of.  I need closure — I need distance from abuse — I need to tell my story — I need peace.

The chain of abuse has been broken with my three sons.  It has not been easy but we have all grown by being honest about our past — overcoming some of the negative effects.  Yes, some still remain — I’ll probably always jump when startled by loud noises or voices & none of my sons will like being ordered how to think, feel, & act.

And yes, we will always feel deeply — it’s in our blood.  Our emotions guide us to be true to ourselves — to love & respect this beautiful earth we’ve been gifted; to stand up for humanity’s peaceful existence exposing selfish bullies to scrutiny; to understand, & hopefully respect, another’s culture & beliefs but not accept inhumane actions.  It seems to be the destiny of our lives.

Following our unique paths, my sons & I have learned to think positively, speak our views kindly, listen to others, try to understand other points-of-view; compromise to arrive at a mutually-agreeable solution — to be loving with each other as we all travel the rocky roads of life.  But we will not back down from oppressors — their power only grows with submission.

Filled with fear, I have submitted too often.

Although I’ve always been intelligent, I haven’t had the self-confidence to always follow what my brain says to do.  Now, I am a lot wiser in this sixth decade of my life.  Now, I know that I come from a place of goodness.  Now, I have the skills & knowledge to deal with, perhaps, my greatest battle against abuse.

And so I start a new series — My Life Story — at Dawne Enlightened — where I explore what I’ve experienced & what I’ve learned.  And how it is.  And who.  All the nitty gritty of overcoming abuse & loving me.

Please join me for the ride.  We all need all the help we can get.  :-D

Simply A Dawne Thought

 

** Quotations from Brainy Quotes at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/h/henri_frederic_amiel.html#rMxfvx4uZux1YZpl.99